1st Post [Free Writing]

When was the last time you can think of where you got really upset or really happy. Why? What was it over?


When I was a junior in high school, I "came out" to friends and parents. At that time, I was in a dark place because I didn't feel comfortable with myself and I learned not to depend on my parents, which is where I fully evolved into an adult. When I came out to my mother, she didn't take it well because she crystallized me in an image of perfection. Now, I learned that the reality of it is that only I can decide what I want and find that "happy-medium" that most people obtain when they settle down and find equilibrium in their lives; in the end, if I am happy that is what's important. Another thing, is that society is somewhat runned by hypercriticism which is why the world is messed up. However, it was a mistake on my part because I talked about it on the wrong day. Today, my father and mother know. My mom still does not accept so and is dating the same boyfriend, in which they have been together for 4 years now. My father is ok with my sexuality since he is scared by the fact my mother wanted to take him to jail. This is the experience of my coming out phase.


~


For the rest of life, this day will never surpass my memory. It was the seventh of May (the day before Mother's Day), I was driving out of my CBP Youth Law Enforcement group with my mom's Lexus practicing for the driver's exam which I would soon take. It was me, my mom and my friend Milianette in the back seat. So, as usual, my mother was asking me what did we do today. I said "Nothing", trying to change the topic and ignore her. It wasn't that I hated her, I just feel I couldn't open up to her because if I ever told her about my sexuality, she would probably send me to "hell." And that's exactly what she did today. So we kept driving along the road and there some white skyscraper apartments and 'attractive construction workers' walking along the road and I tell my friend "Hey, look at the houses." It was a code that only we could understand. And my mom gives me the most peculiar face expression; she was puzzled and confounded because she had figured out my code. We kept driving with silence in the car, until after we had dropped off my friend at her house. Then my mom asks, "So, what was it that you were talking about back there?" All my nerves activated in a state of panic beneath my body, but I played it cool until she asked again. "SO?!!....What is it?!" she said. I said "I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about." "When you were talking about those houses....." "I was talking about those houses, that's it." I wish she'd just let it go, however, she was nerve racking and she couldn't stop. "No, you weren't. I know exactly what you were talking about." "Fine, you caught me." "So, for how long?" My nerves were on the verge of just wanting to throw myself out of the car and run away. I was stunned and couldn't move any more than looking to the road. After that, it was now or never; maybe she'll warm up to you if you're loyal to her. I mean she is your mother and you can tell her anything. I was wrong yet again. I always tell the truth which is my problem, I was never a good liar like my parents. They were so good at lying, the fact that my mom is a judge and sometimes she lies to me about what she's doing or how long she is going to take to come home. My dad has lied to me in instances, of him probably experimenting himself. "It's been a while." "Really? Why didn't you tell me?" "I didn't tell you because I didn't think you'd be ready to hear this." "So, have you told anyone about it?" "Yes, a few people." "Who?" "I told PJ, Carmen, and a few friends from school." "WHAT?! Have you told your father too?!" "No." My mom is dating a pilot (50) ; its' not that I have anything against him either. He just tends to use my mom as a friend with benefit(s) way by using the house and cheating on her and not telling her I love you, having bipolar moods and not cleaning after himself. He works for American Airlines and has three ex-wives and five children, and seems to criticize a lot about society [in other words, its like he doesn't like what society has turned into]. Pj (his son, 16), the middle child has come to Puerto Rico even though he lives in Florida, but he comes in the worst case. He seems to have mental problems; he drinks, smokes and has sensual relations at the age which is bad. I mean, he's in like mixed parts of high school and he been to rehab and jail. Carmen (the pilot's sister) is in her 40's, with a productive husband who works as an accountant in a bank, and two boys: one who is in college now who's in his 20's (smokes, surfs and likes to chill, temp) and her 15 year-old who mirrors his brother's image but is trying to pass high school unlike his cousin PJ. What I mean, is that he fails at times and we don't even know what grade he's in. We finally arrive home after that weird conversation, and there's an awkward silence; however, I went to take a nap to soon go to a party. Later on, she woke up in like a hostile manner, "GET UP!" I was surprised, but no time for that, soon I would be dancing with friends and having fun. I took a shower and after went to go check on my mom to see how she was doing. "Are you ok?" "Yes, I'm fine." She said it in a sarcastic manner, she was NOT ok. "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Look, I told you I'm gay and don't expect you to understand, but please don't try to change who I am." I mean, she's dating Pedro, what the f***! I'm not judging her for still being with him after he cheated on her. "Have you had any recent encounters with anyone?" "Maybe, but I was just experimenting." How are you supposed to learn from life if you don't try things, right? You'll never get the opinion unless you've tried it. "With who?" "Some guy, it was in a tent on a camping trip." "Were you in love?" "No, but I wanted to try it. You're not in a love relationship either with your boyfriend, he doesn't even say I love you." "So, I am the grown up here and what I say goes." Every time a parent uses that excuse, it makes me sick to my stomach. Ok, I get it. It not like I'm under drugs, you as a parent should understand. It's starts to get late and my mom takes me to my friend (Millianette's) house which her mom knows the directions to the party. I get out of the car and say "Bye", but she leaves in silence.  I told my friend what happened. "Dude, I told my mom." "WHAT?! What did she say?" "She took it ok, I believe but in a way of silence." "Really?! Wow." I try to forget about it, but I know I'm probably in deep shit.


After the party, my mom picks me up and looks at me in an angrily way. And she says to me, right after a good night of partying, "You have no idea what you've done, right?"  She starts crying and accelerating the vehicle on the way home. "What?", my voice looses its grip. I really was in deep shit. "Tomorrow, you're grounded. And I am leaving to go and see my mother's tomb, ok?!" Grounded, what did I do God? Did I shoot someone? Did I get arrested? Did I steal something or get someone pregnant? When we got home, I went to sleep with the sounds of sobbing and my mom calling her sisters to tell her what had just happened. I was done, my shot of happiness and being free had just left the window. The next morning, I wake up and its Mother's Day. I feel like crap and silently walk down the stairs to see if my mother had actually left. She didn't and she was sitting down in the family room on her rocking chair, where she told me to sit down and talk to her. "You know you shouldn't feel happy right? This isn't something to be proud about." "I know. But I feel better about myself." "How, I mean all those times in middle and high school when you trying to prove that you weren't gay and now?" "It just happened, I mean I didn't understand it before but now I do." "So..tell me, how do you think this is going to work in the future?" "What are you talking about?" " I mean you can't have children, people are going to think less of you and you are going to SUFFER SO MUCH!" "I mean I know it isn't easy but I'll work through it." "You need to work on it by going to get help!" "No, I'm fine." "Was it me, was it that I wasn't a good mother? I've done so much for you, to make you into the healthy baby boy you are today." She starts to sob. "Its not you, its me." She screams, "Stop, stop it! You are not gay...its just a phase, and once you learn that you'll be the son that I raised. For now, I don't even know who you are anymore. You're not my son." That's when I lost it, my innocence was gone and I didn't know what to think anymore. I couldn't love someone who didn't love me. Its almost impossible. We were invited to eat with my mom's boyfriend and her family and we went to go get ready. I went up the stairs to grab my clothes and my mom was rising the stairs slowly...immediately, she came crying and screaming and banging on the wall....she fell to the floor screaming "WHY?! WHY ME?!" "You are the best mother, ok? You haven't done anything...." I sat with her and gently rubbed off her tears and hugged her. "Will you work through it? PROMISE ME!" I lied. I wanted to get through that day without any problems. I said I would, but after that day I've never told her about my lifestyle. It was like after that day, the things she told me as a child evaporated into thin air. "Be who you wanna be" was bullshit. My innocence, my life, the way of thinking......lies. The truth is your way of thinking reflects on your life. However, if being happy matters to you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because its' what you are going to do for the rest of your life. I decided that from that day on.